One of my parental goals this year (apart from reading parenting books, playing with the boys more, refusing to let their attitudes and actions affect my mood and teaching them to read) is to try to find a friend for Roman (not that he will accept whomever I pick, but I at least can facilitate 3 year old introductions) and to invite Deacon's friends over to play more often.On my walk today I was mulling over a problem and came up with proactively helping Deacon form friendships as a possible solution. You see, my boy is oblivious no longer.
Deacon is a very friendly and sociable child. Some say he is active and rambunctious. Others say he is wild. His dad says he has a good heart. Here is what I say: he loves life and he picks up cues from adult's actions rather than their words. When he is at home with me and his brothers he is calm and will spend hours "reading", being read to and doing puzzles. Yeah, he can hoist the mainstay with the best of them, but he is not out of control. But if you give him "permission" by your actions to be rowdy, then he will be rowdy.
Today he came with me to the grocery store and had half the groceries in bags by the time I had finished paying.
Anyway, before his classes and places where I am not I always carefully remind him that he needs to listen to the teacher, not bug the other kids etc.
He really likes other kids. All other kids. There isn't a kid he doesn't like. He will tell me sometimes "so and so was being naughty. They always get in trouble and they don't listen." But he never really seems to have a problem with them himself. Until lately.
See, I was waiting for this to happen. He loves to talk but he stutters pretty severely and he has trouble with certain letters and sounds. He is also on the short side. I have heard kids make fun of him before, but he hasn't seemed to notice so I haven't said anything to him about it. There is a boy he knows at church that isn't very nice to him, and yet Deacon really likes the kid. There is another boy at the Y that I have also observed being mean to Deacon, and yet Deacon always goes back to the kid and keeps trying to be friends.
I have not been able to understand how he doesn't see this. But he does. This is what I have heard from him in the last 36 hours (usually off hand comments while we are in the car, or working on a project- just like a man, huh?)
"The other kids were saying that I am wearing a skirt. But I am not. My jersey is just kind of long. It made me feel really bad, but then I decided just to go to the other room. They didn't follow me."
"So and so used to be my friend, but now everytime I sit next to him or try to talk to him he moves away."
"Mom, I don't say 'cool' right. It is hard for me. When I say it, it sounds like I am saying 'tool'. You know, like a hammer or something."
So, here is what I have been doing: 1. Encouraging him not to do the same things to others. I have explained to him that saving seats is rude and he should just smile and say hi to whoever sits next to him, 2. He has a couple of good friends that love him. I have noticed that for the most part the kids that we have made efforts to have over and get to know better seem to be more understanding of his speech. So I am going to try to have kids over for him to play with. 3. Teach him about differences and how God gives us all different gifts, talents, looks, skills.
What do I want to tell him?
I want to say, "those kids are mean to you! Stay away from them. They are not worth your time! You deserve better! You are important, you are significant. Don't keep going back and getting hurt!"
But then I think about it more. Isn't he doing the right thing? Treating kids nicely and politely and still trying to be friends even if they are rude? Refusing to let them and their attitudes and actions affect his mood and make him slink away, hurt and offended?
I wish I could be like that. Even when someone treats me badly, always ready to approach them with a smile and another olive branch.
I have a feeling that our struggle with this is just beginning. I want to teach him to be brave and self confident with the ability to stand up for himself; but I also want him to be kind and perceptive of why people are the way they are and not to be so busy standing up for himself that he forgets about others.
5 comments:
Way to go Deacon! Remember the saying, "The only way to have friends is to be a friend"? Sounds like he's got it down pat.
We just recently had our first bully encounter and I had a hard time knowing how to react. It was a child we didn't know who was visiting our church (his family are believers). He put his hands around Ethan's neck and tried to hurt him. I saw part of the incident, but still could tell if it was just six year old "enthusiasm" or pure aggression. Ethan is not an aggressive kid and just kind of took it. It's something we need to think about ahead of time, as I was not prepared for it and didn't know what to do, other than pull Ethan aside and ask him a few discreet ?s and tell him that if the boy did it again, he needed to tell him to stop or tell the boys that he was going to tell his (ethan's)dad. I'm beginning to understand what a friend told me years ago, "Bigger kids, bigger problems."
Parentings hard, isn't it? P.S. I can tell from reading this, that Deacon and Ethan would be good friends, despite the age difference.
poor buddy, auntie heather says bust those kids in the grill! hang in there, i will be his friend always!
I almost cried while reading this...Deacon will just need some people there supporting him. I remember all the people that were nice to me when I had trouble talking, etc. We will just keeping loving him and he will get through it! Look at how great I turned out, hahaha!
Sounds like you're doing a great job. What a sweet boy:)
He can be friends with Miles! Miles loves everybody too. If kids are mean, he just gets quiet. He keeps his distance for awhile and then quickly forgives. I love that about him. Who knows if it will always be that way. I do want him to learn a balance, one of standing up for himself and yet still being kind. Hope that's possible? (:
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