This is the Seattle Public Library. Nice, isn't it? On my trip I made a special walk to see it. I didn't take the official tour, I just took a self-guided trip up the escalators. It is 11 stories and has gigantic computer labs and reading areas. There are relatively few books on each floor. If I lived in Seattle and didn't have children I would totally hang out there.
But here I go to my one room library. Children's section to the right , fiction behind it. Books on tape/CD to the left with nonficton behind it. Computers straight ahead with "reading area" behind that. I like it though. It is small but I can order anything that they don't have and it is close.
I consider myself a casual mom. Not a negligent mom and not an uptight mom. I let my kids climb fences etc, but I am always within view of them. I work at not letting them get too out of hand, but they are little boys and well, little boys are loud, messy and excitable. Very excitable.
I like taking them to the library because I love seeing them get excited about books. I think it is cool that they practically jump up and down when they find a book that seems interesting to them - just like they do when they see squirrels, dogs or the biggest playground EVER!
So, while I don't let them run rampant around the adult corner of the library, I did not see a problem with them singing the alphabet song in duet while we were waiting to check out. They weren't screaming, they weren't yelling - they were just singing. The Librarian and lady ahead of me in line even thought they were cute.
There was a middle aged lady standing at a computer terminal right next to the check out desk. She turns around, glares at my boys (not me, just the 2 and 4 year olds) and says, "Don't you even know how to be quiet?! This is a library. Jiminey Christmas..." My kids didn't realize she was talking to them, but I was suddenly faced with a decision: do I make them be quiet to make the woman happy, or do I let it go since I did not think that they were being overly loud.
And I was irritated. I was irritated that she addressed my children in such a disrespectful way. And I was irritated that she used my children to passively aggresively attack me. I felt like saying, "If you have a problem with my preschoolers (who don't even get what you are muttering about) then take it up with me. Don't say something so bitterly to them."
Now, understand me. If the Librarian had thought my children were being loud and disruptive and had gotten their attention and admonished them in a gentle, "can you use your inside voices, please." I would not have been irritated. I would have backed her up and made sure that things were toned down. That would have been a respectful, appropriate interaction and I would have taken over making sure they stayed quiet. But this, I couldn't take this.
But it brings me to another question. What do you all think is the appropriate response of parents in those stressful times? Do you out of kindness and deference to another human being make them be quiet so as not to disturb the other person? Do you make them be quiet so as to appear like a "good" parent? Do you decide to let it go because you don't think it is a big deal and you don't want to be hypocritical to your children?
It is the same thing we have to think about when we spend time with friends/relatives that have very different opinions then us about what our kids should be allowed to do. Do we tell our kids, "so and so is coming over so for tonight there will be no family dodge ball, no wrestling and no food outside of the kitchen". When they ask why, do we say, "so and so has high blood pressure and you make it higher", or do we graciously say, "some things are just better not to do when we have a lot of people over".
Anyway, just things to think about :) Let me know what you think, whether you have kids or not!
6 comments:
I'm glad you added the part about responses not having to only be from people with children, as I have none.
That's pretty irritating about the woman in the library. When people make such blatantly rude comments it makes me want to respond in the same manner, "Hey! You're the reason children don't like libraries!" or something like that - but I normally try to bite my tongue, instead of lashing out in retaliation.
Unfortunately I have no decent advice (despite the length of this response). If it happened to me I probably would have ignored it the first time to see if she said anything else, and if she did I would have addressed her and asked for her not to speak to the children so unkindly - but who knows, maybe fire would have shot out of her mouth then :-)
Okay. I have to calm down. My blood is still boiling over the rude lady. This is such a hard question. Because my initial reaction would be to say something to put her in her place. But I don't want to teach my boys that if someone is rude you should be rude back.
I have a tendency to stare at the person until they feel uncomfortable with a tiny smirk on my face, without talking to my boys (SO passive-aggressive, I know)
I suppose the right thing to do is to quietly and as kindly as possible, talk with the person about it. But how awkward and unheard of
"um, maybe you're having a bad day, but kindly asking them to lower their voices would have been fine."
I don't know if I could do it, all the maturity and proper assertiveness being involved, but it would probably show my boys I'm standing up for them, and being nice about it at the same time.
Not that your boys knew what was going on. If my boys didn't notice, like yours, I would probably completely ignore it. Or give her the ol stink eye anyway :)
I think your response about people coming over and needing to chill out a bit (some things aren't a good idea when there are more people here) is great. It's basically true and it doesn't make them feel like THEY are the reason that people get annoyed.
People think we're loud and crazy too. Yes, I say. They're boys.
This is the longest comment I've ever written, I think. Sorry to do that to you :)
I'm always paranoid what other people think, so i guess I would probably try to quiet my kids and offer an insincere apology. But deep down underneath I would surely be mad at the rude woman. This post saddens my heart, because I LOVE the library and the branch that is so close and convenient for us is now only open a few hours a week due to budget cuts:(
BTW.......I think I totally love your parenting style:)
My response although equally as passive has a rudeness value that packs a pretty true punch of reality. BTW this is a true life situation: I completely ignore the old crabby lady, however in my most high pitched school teacher voice ask my girls if they were enjoying their trip to the library, winking at my eldest, thus giving permission to respond with as much enthusiasm as possible. It was very effective, especially considering the librarians know us and see us regularly. I believe one of the volunteers even laughed out loud, as the old lady picked up her purse and walked to the other side of the library. Kids will be kids and I believe in letting them enjoy themselves. This works in other situations too, especially department stores where the Diapers and Kids soaps are very near the Depends and Metamucil. Like I can avoid turning down this isle “with rambunctious and ill-behaved children”, who were merely carrying on a conversation while lingering behind me though the isles. I just calmly turned around winked and asked the girls if they were having fun. Of course I rewarded them with McDonalds after that performance; I couldn’t get the smile off my face. I love being a parent.
As long as my kids didn't notice/hear what the lady said I would just ignore her and leave. In your case I just don't understand what the lady was thinking...I mean the world's cutest little boys singing their ABC's...couldn't have picked a better song for the library!
I wish I could have heard that sweet little duet!
It sounds like they were obeying all the library rules; staying right by their mom, talking(or singing) in inside voices...and yes, sometimes it is best to ignore rudeness, sometimes a positive or funny comment to turn everything positive can work, but often we (I) don't think of those right words until later....
So, it was good to ignore the situation and let your kids blissfully sing on.
But your other situations and comments you brought up later made me think that SOMETIMES all of us need to NOT do something that is normally acceptable in order to make things more "comfortable" for someone else.(physically, mentally, spiritually) As parents, we need to help our kids realize this, and help them to decide the right thing to do in different situations and for the right reasons. And to know when something is always right or always wrong! Big Job!But your little guys are already learning to be sensitive to other people's needs and differences, so they are on the right track (it's a long trail!) I'm still on it.
Here's a story I like to remember.I was in a bird store one day and all the birds were so loud! They lady in front of me asked the clerk why they were so wild and noisy. The clerk shrugged her shoulders, smiled big and said, "Just happy, I guess!" That always makes me smile.
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