Friday, March 27, 2009

Specimen Collection 101

The child has had some abnormal GU systems recently, so his overly paranoid and protective mother decided to take him into the clinic to rule out some possible causes.

The child's ICU nurse mother questioned the MD on the possibility of Diabetes or a UTI. (By the way, the mother is very paranoid about diabetes).

The MD instead discovered that the child had an ear infection, and threw a bone to the mother by deciding to get a simple urinanalysis to rule out the elusive diabetes and uti.

(now, the mother does agree that diabetes probably does SEEM to come on quickly in peds...but could it be because PEOPLE keep missing the subtle signs of impending doom until it is too late? Did I mention that the mother is paranoid about diabetes?).

So the mother and the child went down to the lab where the child amused the lab lady by carefully spelling out his name (first and last) so that his mother would get it right on the lab sheet. The child does not always trust his mother.

After exploring the lab bathroom, the child sat down to do his business into the "hat".

"My penis is not working!", was then heard.

And heard again after offering water.

And heard again after running laps around the room a few times.

And again after mommy stepped out of the room.

And again after mommy begged, "just try one more time, sweetie"

So the 2 left the clinic armed with the hat, the speciman container, 3 bags and a pair of gloves.

The mother scoffed at the gloves. Who wears gloves for handling sweet baby pee...especially when it is your own baby?

Next morning the mother brightly suggested to the child that he pee in the hat.

"no" said the child and started screaming.

and screaming.

After a few more suggestions and a few more screams the mother gave up.

The mother called the clinic and told them that she was going to skip it and just go ahead and start the child on the meds for the ear infection. The 2 would go to the hospital when the child ended up in a diabetic coma or in septic shock from a raging UTI, since apparently peeing in a cup was not an option.

10 minutes after the phone call was placed, the child ran up the stairs and happily called out, "I am ready to pee in the little thing now!"

And so he did.

The child proudly watched as the mother placed it in the container, then in the biohazard clear bag, then in the white lunch bag.

The child proudly carried the bag into the clinic.

The child proudly tried to hand the bag to the receptionist, but the mother told him to "wait, she doesn't want it. You need to give it to the lab lady."

When the child and his mother arrived at the lab, the child insisted on taking the plastic bag out of the opaque bag so the lab lady could see that not only could he spell his name, but he could also pee in the cup.

It was a proud moment for everyone.

Roman loves his hat.


Momma Bear said...

oh boy what an ordeal but you made it pretty funny for me! Glad he's relatively okay.

Billi Jo said...

I’ve had a similar visit, but with a completely different ending…when I picked the distraught and overly emotional toddler off the toilet at the doctors office there was indeed urine in the “hat.” All the fussing, screaming, and wailing for an act she probably completed the minute I placed her on the potty. It was an event.

Heather said...

wow. roman is going to love that story when he gets older. :)